For as long as I've been able to hold a Game Boy in my hand, video games have been my primary hobby. They're something I've always enjoyed. But as I've gotten older, things have changed. Not in the sense that I don't enjoy games anymore, but that my sense of anxiety has increased - as well as, perhaps more importantly, my own sense of my own mortality. Nowadays when I do anything, I always think about how I could be using my time better. There are 1000s of games out there, so when I'm playing a game I think about what else I could be playing that I might enjoy even more. When I'm reading a book I think about all the movies I've yet to watch. And when I'm watching a movie I wonder what I could be doing at the same time to maximize "using my time effectively." And that's before we get into my urge to create things. Not only do I want to indulge in my "Consumption Hobbies," I want to engage in my "Creation Hobbies" too - writing and making games and silly little music. I'm never present in anything I do, always striving for something around the corner that I'm certain will make me feel like I'm doing "the right thing" and not "wasting time," and never enjoying anything as a result. I place too much of my self-worth on my ability to create things, and the success I have in taking care of the people I love, and so when I don't serve those two goals, I go to bed feeling like a failure. I think back to younger me, unburdened by all of this anxiety, and wonder how he did it. He enjoyed every game like it was the first one he ever played, wrote with abandon, and went to bed not worried if he had done enough with his day. God I wish that were me! All of this is compounded by my recent anxiety and hyperfixation about my own limited time on this earth. I learned that this is called "Mortality Salience," and it's been a struggle for me these past few years. I have anxiety about making sure every minute and every second is accounted for, and it fucks me up. Whoever said "live every day like it's your last" was absolutely neurotypical because why would you say that?? Just reading it is enough to make my pulse quicken. Here's the thing though - I don't think being conscious of my inevitable demise is automatically a **bad thing**. It's the reason I always make sure I don't go to bed without making sure the people I care about aren't upset with me, and a reminder for me to not sweat the small stuff. "Life's too short for this," is an adage I can actually rock with. I just wish it wasn't so present at the *forefront* of my mind, you know? I want to be able to sit and play a game or watch a movie or write this literal piece you're reading now without constantly thinking about whatever else I could be doing. I've been going over this with my therapist, and I think I'm starting to see some progress in handling all this cognitively though! Two strategies seem to be helping: ## Mindfulness Meditation I have not been cognizant of how I am *always* doing something. My therapist asked me if I've ever spent time just sitting and doing nothing for ten minutes straight, and I realized I never do that unless I'm trying to get ready to go to sleep. SO I've picked up mindfulness meditation as a result. I've been doing 5-10 minutes daily. I think it's starting to help! Maybe? It's a new concept to my brain so it might take a while. Being honest I kind of avoided it because white girl crystal mommies pushed it so hard and I never trust anything they push that hard. But when I'm feeling very overwhelmed by things I want or need to do, I do it and it helps me chill out a little! All of my sessions have been guided, using a completely free app created by a nonprofit called **Smiling Mind**. ## Bullet Journaling I journal every day, but it's never been like how I'm doing it now. When I journal I talk about how I'm feeling that day, maybe with some updates on stuff I've worked on or been enjoying. My therapist suggested I bullet journal on top of that. This is literally just a simple list of everything I've done in a day, no editorialization included. It's helping me be more objective in seeing how I spend my time, rather than just vaguely believing that I spent it poorly. I guess it may be an aspect of time-blindness. I've seen immediate results with this! Now when I start to feel this vague gnawing at the back of my head because I've been playing [[MEGATON MUSASHI W - WIRED (2024)|Megaton Musashi W]] for a few hours, I can check my journal and remember that I already got a bunch of work done and have permission to chill for a while. Between these two strats, I can feel myself become a little more in control with each passing day. This is something I've been struggling with for a while, though, and I'm wondering if it's my own personal brand of brainworms, or relatable to anyone else! Let me know if so! Let's compare notes, lol.