[[2026 Cafe Posts#^172725|2026 Cafe Posts]] This post is a bit of a downer I suppose but blogs are allowed to be a downer sometimes, as a treat. Lately it’s hard to not think about how I feel like I’ve been a failure in a lot of ways, creatively or otherwise. Holistically I can look at some of the things I’ve done and should be proud of them, but the grand scale of the internet and what I wish I’ve accomplished doesn’t match up with those accomplishments. Comparison is the thief of joy, but it’s also one of the basic human building blocks of understanding, so it’s hard *not* to see that Toby Fox is 3 years older than me and done *gestures broadly* all that shit. And technically he did that, what, ten years ago? Technically even earlier, given when he started. What have I done in the past ten years? Obviously there are very few **Undertales** in the world, and I don’t need to have something I create show up in **Smash Bros Ultimate**, but it’s such a struggle to even create anything, regardless if people care about it or not. When I’m employed I’m too tired to really dive into the act of creation, so it becomes an incremental, glacial thing that I’m not happy with anyways. When I got laid off I figured I could use some of that time to actually work on something, but the stress and responsibility of trying to find a new job feels so debilitating that when I’m not doing that I’m shutting my brain down and playing [[Diablo IV]] for 6 hours straight. And both of those things feel like excuses which doesn’t really make me feel better either. It’s exhausting to be in this position, inside my own head or out of it. It’s exhausting trying to create something when I look outside and gas prices are $5000 a gallon and every day brings me closer to my severance running out and the pressure pushes me down a little bit more. This blog is my only “creative” outlet because consuming media is the only thing keeping me from crashing out entirely as opposed to the partial crash out I feel like I’m experiencing right now. And I put “creative” in quotes anyways because is any of this really creative, when all I really do is just comment on the cool stuff people cooler than me are making? I’m pressing X to doubt right now. I hope it doesn’t seem like I’m fishing for compliments right now, because tbh if I wanted that I’d deadass just tell people to compliment me, it’s funnier that way and I’m shameless[^1]. Maybe I should have just put this in the journal section of my [[Obsidian]] workspace. But I suppose I hope that if nothing else, people can relate and commiserate. Perhaps in the future someone will read this and realize that they’re not the only ones that are having this thought. Or maybe *I’m* the only one thinking this and need a reality check. Anyways, in the end it doesn’t really matter. Besides that little spiral there’s some positive to indulge in. I’m at my local library writing this out, after years of not visiting it, and it’s become more delightful than it was when I last showed up 7 years ago (for a job interview, funnily enough). There’s been an update to the cafe, you can use a 3D printer for free, they got videogame and books and board games and books in other languages and everyone is very nice. I will probably come more often. It’s nice to sit in a public space and not have to worry about whether I’m taking up space or being asked to leave. It’s like the last 3rd space in my area that doesn’t require spending money to sit in. Obviously there are parks, but existing while Black makes that not a very good prospect unless I’m with a white person or my mom, who looks sufficiently good-natured enough that people will leave me alone (I do not, my RBF goes crazy). That’s all for now. Hopefully the next post is a little less bleak, mb lmfao. ### Media Check - Reading: **The Republic of Memory** — Mahmud el Sayed - Listening: **Nova-Geo** — Sam English [^1]: If I weren’t, would I be writing this?